The unequal shares conversation

Equal isn’t always fair

Most parents default to dividing their estate equally among children. It feels fair and avoids the appearance of favouritism.

But sometimes equal shares don’t reflect reality:

One child has significant disability or health needs
One child has already received substantial financial help
One child is a carer who sacrificed their career
One child is wealthy while another struggles
One child is estranged or has made harmful choices

In these situations, unequal shares might actually be fairer.

Common reasons for unequal division

Need-based differences

A child with a disability needs lifelong support
A child with chronic illness faces ongoing costs
A child going through a divorce needs protection

Contribution differences

A child gave up their career to care for you
A child worked in the family business for minimal pay
A child stayed close and provided daily support

Lifetime gifts already made

You helped one child buy a house
You funded one child’s education
You gave one child business start-up capital

Relationship differences

A child is estranged and has caused significant harm
A child has shown no interest in the family
(Be careful here — this is often contested)

💡 Document everything: If you've already given significant gifts to one child, document them. Write down dates, amounts, and whether they were intended as advancement of inheritance.

Should you tell your children?

Arguments for telling them:

No surprises = less conflict
They can ask questions while you’re alive
Reduces the “discovery shock” after your death
Gives them time to accept your reasoning
Prevents suspicion of undue influence

Arguments against telling them:

Your decision might change
It can create immediate conflict
Some children may try to influence you
Privacy — it’s your choice to make
Some things are better left unsaid

Middle ground:

Tell them you’ve made careful decisions without detailing amounts. Let them know you’ve considered everyone’s circumstances.

How to have the conversation

If you decide to explain:

Choose the setting

Private, one-on-one conversations (not family gatherings)
A calm, neutral time (not during conflict)
Allow time for questions

Lead with love

“I love you all equally. My will reflects different circumstances, not different amounts of love.”
“I’ve thought about what’s fair for everyone’s situation.”

Be honest but kind

Explain your reasoning clearly
Acknowledge feelings
Don’t apologise excessively — you have the right to decide

Stay firm

Listen to concerns, but don’t be swayed by pressure
“I understand this is hard to hear. This is my decision.”

What to include in your will

🇦🇺 In Australia: Family provision laws allow children and dependants to challenge a will if they weren't adequately provided for. Explain your reasoning in a letter of wishes to help defend against claims.

In the will itself:

Clear distribution instructions
Consider a clause acknowledging lifetime gifts

In a letter of wishes:

Your reasoning for the distribution
Acknowledgment of any past gifts
Statement that decisions reflect fairness, not favouritism
Personal messages to each child

Protecting against challenges

Unequal wills are more likely to be contested. To strengthen your will:

Get proper legal advice — A lawyer can help structure things properly
Document your reasoning — In a letter of wishes
Consider capacity assessment — If you’re older or unwell
Keep records of lifetime gifts — Amounts, dates, purposes
Be consistent — Changing your will repeatedly can invite challenge
Communicate (if appropriate) — Reduce surprise and suspicion

What if a child is upset?

Listen first Let them express their feelings without becoming defensive.

Reiterate your love “This decision doesn’t reflect how much I love you.”

Explain once, then stop You don’t need to justify repeatedly or endlessly debate.

Acknowledge their feelings “I understand this is disappointing. I’ve made the decision I believe is fair.”

Hold your ground “I hear you. This is still my decision.”

When equal is better after all

Sometimes equal shares make sense even when circumstances differ:

Perceived unfairness causes lasting family damage
The differences aren’t significant enough to matter
You value family harmony above mathematical fairness
Children will equalise informally among themselves

There’s no universally right answer.

What to do next

Reflect honestly on whether unequal shares are warranted
Document lifetime gifts and your reasoning
Seek legal advice about structuring your will
Decide whether to communicate your plans
Write a letter of wishes explaining your thinking
Prepare for difficult conversations if you choose to have them
Review your decision regularly — circumstances change