Parenting

When your parents won't make a will

It's frustrating when parents resist estate planning. Here's how to have the conversation — and what to do if they still won't.

Why parents resist

Before you push harder, understand what’s behind the resistance:

“I don’t want to think about death” Many people avoid anything that reminds them of mortality. It feels morbid or brings up fear.

“It’s none of your business” Talking about money with children can feel like an invasion of privacy or an invitation to conflict.

“I’ll get to it eventually” Procrastination is human. There’s always something more urgent.

“Everything will go to your mother/father anyway” They may not understand that intestacy rules can be complicated, especially for blended families.

“I don’t have enough to worry about” Even small estates benefit from a will — it simplifies everything.

“The government/lawyers just take it all” This is a myth. A will actually makes things cheaper and smoother.

How to start the conversation

Don’t make it about their death

Frame it as practical planning:

  • “I’m making my own will and it made me think…”
  • “I want to make sure I can help you if anything happens…”
  • “My friend’s family went through a difficult time because…”

Make it about them helping you

  • “I wouldn’t know what to do if something happened. Can we talk about your wishes?”
  • “I want to make sure I respect what you want.”
  • “It would give me peace of mind to know your plans.”

Focus on what matters to them

  • If they value fairness: “A will makes sure things are divided the way you want.”
  • If they worry about conflict: “A clear will prevents fights between siblings.”
  • If they have grandchildren: “Do you want to leave anything directly to the grandchildren?”
  • If they’re practical: “It saves time and money for everyone.”

💡 Timing matters: Choose a calm moment, not during a crisis or family gathering. One-on-one is usually better than with the whole family present.

What if they still say no?

Accept their right to decide

Ultimately, it’s their choice. Pressuring too hard can damage your relationship.

Plant seeds

Share articles, mention stories of families affected by dying without a will, talk about your own planning. Let the ideas percolate.

Ask specific questions

Even without a formal will, knowing their wishes helps:

  • “If something happened, would you want to stay at home or go to care?”
  • “Where are your important documents?”
  • “Who should I call first?”

Focus on what you can control

  • Ensure you know where important documents are kept
  • Understand their financial situation (roughly)
  • Know their wishes for medical care
  • Have your own affairs in order

Practical concerns to raise

Sometimes concrete problems resonate more than abstract ones:

  • “Who will be in charge?” Without a will, the court decides who administers the estate.
  • “How will the house be handled?” Property can get complicated without clear instructions.
  • “What about your pet/car/collection?” Specific items they care about.
  • “What if [sibling] and I disagree?” A will provides a decision-maker and clear instructions.

What happens if they die without a will

🇦🇺 In Australia: Intestacy rules determine who inherits. Generally, spouse first, then children. But blended families, long-lost relatives, or estranged children can complicate things.

Possible consequences:

  • Delays in accessing funds (months, sometimes years)
  • Higher legal costs
  • Family conflict over who gets what
  • Assets going to people they wouldn’t have chosen
  • No say in who manages the estate

Sharing these realities — gently — might motivate action.

When capacity is a concern

If your parent’s mental capacity is declining, time is critical.

  • A will made without capacity can be challenged
  • Powers of Attorney become essential
  • The window to act legally may be closing

If you’re concerned:

  • Encourage action while they’re clearly capable
  • Consider involving their doctor if needed
  • Seek legal advice about capacity requirements

Involving professionals

Sometimes parents listen to professionals more than family:

  • Financial adviser — Can raise estate planning naturally
  • Lawyer — Adds authority and formality
  • Accountant — Especially if tax planning is relevant
  • Doctor — Can discuss advance care directives

A professional’s involvement also removes the sense that children are “after something.”

What to do next

  1. Reflect on why they’re resisting
  2. Choose the right moment for a calm conversation
  3. Make it about their wishes, not your inheritance
  4. Accept their decision if they refuse — but keep the door open
  5. Focus on what you can learn and prepare regardless
  6. Seek professional help if capacity is a concern

Related: What happens if I die without a will? · The “unequal shares” conversation