The Assumption
In the Patterson family, it was always assumed Michael would handle things when Mum died. He was the eldest. He was a man. That’s just how it worked in their generation.
When their mother updated her will at 78, she named Michael as executor without really thinking about it. He lived in Christchurch — three hours from her home in Dunedin. He ran a busy construction company. He hadn’t balanced a household budget in 20 years (his wife handled all that). But he was the eldest son.
His sister Karen lived ten minutes from Mum. She’d managed their mother’s finances for years, knew all the accounts, had power of attorney, and worked part-time with flexible hours. But she wasn’t asked.
Nobody questioned it. Until Mum died.
The Reality Check
Three days after the funeral, Michael sat down with the pile of paperwork Karen had organised. Bank statements. Insurance policies. Rates notices. Utility bills. Share certificates. Superannuation documents.
He was overwhelmed within an hour.
Michael was good at many things — managing construction crews, reading building plans, negotiating with suppliers. But this? Tracking down KiwiSaver providers, understanding estate tax implications, corresponding with the IRD, coordinating with lawyers about probate timing?
He was out of his depth, and he knew it.
He also knew what would happen if he tried to muddle through: delays, mistakes, frustrated siblings, and months of stress on top of grief.
So he made a decision that most people in his position don’t make.
He called Karen.
The Conversation
“I need to be honest with you,” Michael said. “Dad named me executor because I’m the eldest. But you’re the one who should be doing this. You know Mum’s finances. You’re organised. You’re here. And frankly, you’re better at this stuff than I am.”
Karen was surprised. In their family, the men made the decisions. This wasn’t how things were done.
“What are you saying?” she asked.
“I’m saying I want to renounce. I want you to take over as administrator. I’ll help however I can — I’ll move furniture, I’ll clean out the garage, I’ll do the physical work. But the paperwork, the coordination, the legal stuff? That should be you.”
There was a long pause.
“Are you sure?” Karen asked. “People might think—”
“I don’t care what people think. I care about doing this properly, and I care about not stuffing it up for you and James.”
The Process
Michael hadn’t “intermeddled” yet — he hadn’t done anything that would prevent him from stepping aside. He’d attended the funeral, helped sort through some belongings, but hadn’t accessed any accounts or made any legal decisions.
He signed a formal renunciation with the lawyer. Because Mum’s will hadn’t named a substitute executor, Karen applied to the High Court for Letters of Administration. It added a few weeks and some paperwork, but it meant the right person was in charge.
Karen took over.
What Karen Did
With her knowledge of their mother’s affairs and her natural organisation, Karen administered the estate efficiently:
- She had probate within six weeks
- She tracked down three forgotten term deposits
- She navigated a small KiwiSaver death benefit claim
- She kept her brothers informed with monthly email updates
- She distributed the estate within four months
Her brothers didn’t question her decisions because they trusted her. And because Michael — by stepping aside — had signalled that this wasn’t about ego or control. It was about getting it right.
The Lesson
There’s no rule that says the eldest child, the only son, or the most “successful” family member should be executor. The best executor is someone who:
- Has time to do the work
- Has the organisational skills to manage complexity
- Lives close enough to handle practical matters
- Can communicate well with all beneficiaries
- Is trusted by the family
Michael was none of these things for this particular estate. Karen was all of them.
The mistake most families make isn’t choosing the wrong executor initially — many wills are written years before death, when circumstances are different. The mistake is not reassessing when the time comes.
What Michael Got Right
-
He was honest with himself. He recognised his limitations instead of pretending he could handle it.
-
He acted quickly. He renounced before he’d done anything that would lock him in.
-
He didn’t make it about ego. In a family where men traditionally led, he was comfortable saying “my sister is better at this.”
-
He stayed involved. He didn’t disappear. He helped with the physical work and supported Karen throughout.
-
He trusted his sibling. He didn’t second-guess Karen’s decisions or demand to oversee everything.
What You Can Learn
If you’ve been named executor:
- Be honest about whether you’re the right person now (not when the will was written)
- Consider your time, skills, location, and relationship with other beneficiaries
- If you’re not the right fit, renounce early — before you “intermeddle”
- Stepping aside isn’t failure; it’s wisdom
If you’re writing a will:
- Think practically about who can actually do the job, not just who “should” do it
- Name a substitute executor in case your first choice can’t or won’t act
- Review your choice every few years — circumstances change
If you’re a beneficiary:
- If you think you’re better suited than the named executor, have that conversation
- Offer to help rather than criticise
- Remember: the goal is a well-administered estate, not family politics
This story is based on real situations but names and details have been changed to protect privacy. It illustrates how self-awareness and humility can prevent estate administration problems.