Why you need to ask
You can name someone as executor in your will without asking them first — it's legally valid. But it's not fair.
Being an executor is a big responsibility. It can take months, sometimes years. It involves paperwork, phone calls, managing money, dealing with family, and making decisions during what's already an emotional time. People deserve to know what they're agreeing to before they find out at your funeral.
Choosing who to ask
The best executor is someone who is organised, trustworthy, and willing to do the work. It doesn't have to be your closest family member.
For detailed guidance on choosing an executor, see our guide on how to choose an executor.
How to start the conversation
Be direct. Don't bury it in small talk or make them guess what you're asking.
Try saying:
"I'm updating my will, and I'd like to ask if you'd be willing to be my executor."
Try saying:
"I need to choose an executor for my will, and I think you'd be good at it. Can I tell you what's involved?"
Try saying:
"I trust you to handle my affairs after I die. Would you consider being my executor?"
What they need to know before saying yes
Don't sugarcoat it. Give them an honest picture of what the role involves:
What an executor does:
- Organises the funeral (unless you've made other arrangements)
- Applies for probate if needed
- Identifies and values all assets (property, bank accounts, super, belongings)
- Pays debts, taxes, and final bills
- Distributes what's left to beneficiaries according to the will
- Deals with family questions, disputes, and emotions
How long it takes: If the estate is simple, it might take 6-12 months. If there's property to sell, disputes to resolve, or complex assets, it can take years.
How complex it is: That depends on what you own. A simple estate (one bank account, no property, no debts) is straightforward. Multiple properties, business interests, or family conflict makes it harder.
Can they get help? Yes. Executors can hire a lawyer or accountant and pay them from the estate. They don't have to do everything themselves.
Do they get paid? Executors are entitled to a fee (usually a small percentage of the estate), but many family members don't take it.
Giving them permission to say no
Make it clear they can decline without offending you. Some people aren't comfortable with the responsibility, don't have the time, or don't want the stress.
Try saying:
"It's completely okay to say no. I won't be offended. I just wanted to ask you first."
If they seem uncertain, give them time to think about it. Don't pressure them into an answer on the spot.
What to do if they decline
Thank them for being honest. Then ask someone else.
If no one you know is willing or suitable, you can appoint a professional executor (usually a lawyer or trustee company). They'll charge a fee, but they're experienced and won't be emotionally involved.
Next steps after they agree
Once someone agrees to be your executor, make sure they know:
- Where your will is kept
- Who your lawyer is (if you used one)
- Where to find important documents (bank details, property titles, insurance policies)
- Any specific wishes you have (funeral, distribution of sentimental items)
You don't need to give them everything now, but they should know where to start looking when the time comes.
Consider writing a simple list of assets and keeping it with your will. Update it when things change. It's not legally binding, but it makes their job much easier.